shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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