my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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