News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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