i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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