my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
