The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.