At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
