I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
