I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed