My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
