I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
