i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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