Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
