don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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