Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
There was a lot of him and a little penis
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
