one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
