i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i think i just lost a toe
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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