Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
