Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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