New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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