You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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