Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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