when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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