HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
