accomplished twins. life is a go
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
