roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Even my vagina gasped.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
