The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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