He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
