my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
