If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
