Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
