Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
