Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
