I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
