Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
