Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
