so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
