your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
