Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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