theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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