I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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