i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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