The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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