and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
