Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
