i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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