drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
