how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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