The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
