My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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