i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
