You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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