So drunk its hurt
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
