I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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