I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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