Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
