Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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