dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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